David Hands and I were having a chat over the phone a while back, during which he mentioned his new site (yeah, duhh! - the one you're browsing right now). Having caught me sober, he coerced me into writing something or other about something or other kind of, type of thing.
"Yeah, hmm, David, yeah, how about something about cameramen"?
"Yeah, duhh, Yervant, that may be quite appropriate, seeing as the site is going to be called tvcameramen.com".
Cool, I thought, David is taking us grubby folk from the relative obscurity of a Geocities site to a shiny new website which we can try and turn into a grubby home at our leisure and twisted pleasure.
OK, then, David here it is - an obscure column to be entitled
This, the first offering in the series, though, will simply try and give the non cameraman an idea as to what sort of creature the average cameraman may be like. The actual nitty gritty of maintaining one in good working and partying order will come in subsequent articles. In the meantime, please bear in mind that I was also once a cameraman so don’t go expecting a very coherent piece of prose here.
Civilians who come into contact with a cameraman for the first time may be excused for thinking that they’re stuck in a Beavis and Butthead mode of interpersonal communication. This is not necessarily true, but more of a situation quite similar to convicts throughout the ages developing a whole new dialect of their very own, so as to communicate with one another without giving it all away to a third, unconnected and usually hostile, party. At other times it is merely a way of speaking without expending unnecessary energy.
A cameraman, unlike house plants and TV news correspondents, does not need to be kept in the shade or sunlight and occasionally rotated in order to flourish and remain healthy.
A cameraman needs a few goodies at a times, such as AA batteries, a disposable lighter and a short wave radio. In order for a cameraman to be able to get from point A to B he needs a supply of universal currency, such as Marlboro (reds - never lights), instant coffee and (for those more daring treks) beer. These are then usually exchanged at toll checkpoints in exchange for free passage.
A good shot can, at times, be described, as a steady picture framed really nicely that has some relevance to the story being covered. Under more ‘normal’ circumstances, though, this describes a decent measure of Jack Daniel’s finest.
Cameramen can function very nicely indeed as part of a crew even under working conditions where there is a dose of impatience and even hostility. Be overly nice to a cameraman and he’ll immediately become suspicious of your intentions, and as a result will keep his bum hole turned away from you at all times. If the suspect is of the female gender the same position will be maintained, although, in this case, an irritating grin will replace the suspicious look.
When a cameraman is doing his stuff, do not attempt to speak to him. If he misses the shot he’ll still be pissed off with you so save you energy to deal with the hostility. Please feel free to break this rule if you notice a sniper out of his field of vision, though, because if your cameraman gets shot it may take you a while to find a replacement. Play it by ear, then, and make sure you forgive your cameraman for all his sins. At this stage, it becomes quite clear that although he may act like a single-cell organism, the average cameraman is quite a complex creature. The question will always remain whether cameramen are born or shaped by society. I think they’re born cameramen.
A few obscure facts regarding cameramen:
- Cameramen are not generally fit - just undernourished.
- Cameramen usually have average sized penises (on each, that is).
- Cameramen tend to be boisterous, immature, and irreverent.
- Cameramen are not very good at math.
- Cameramen will bitch about producers and correspondents, even if they like them and admire their work.
- Cameramen are not male chauvinist pigs. Male, to them, is what you get in the post. Chauvinism is a disease that strikes chauffeurs at an early age and pigs (see elsewhere at this site) are a mode of secure transport in hostile places - or shitholes.
- What may sound like an argument getting out of hand and eventually leading to a fistfight is usually just the sound of cameramen winding down after a hard day’s work.
- Hard work should only be undertaken in moderation if a cameraman is to remain in good running order (and, boy, do I mean running).
- A cameraman who leaves his camera running while trying to avoid getting shot (see mention of running above) is not necessarily morbid.
- Cameramen cannot usually think of the logistics of getting the tape back in case of sudden death (see above).
- Contrary to popular belief, cameramen CAN count beyond 10 (although some have been known to drop their camera while reaching for their toes).
There will be more on the obscure subject of maintaining your cameraman from time to time. In the meantime, if you want to achieve insight into how we have, at times, felt - and what makes us seem as quite silly why not have a joint and then jump into a tub of cold water while trying to ignore the neighbor and his dog barking away.
